In the Understand phase of the CURE we first work through the Who What and Why of your earthquake.
The Who might be a person, a company, God, or all of the above for that matter. It typically is some target for your anger.
The What is the core issue that really eats at you. It might be the actual event, it might be the way the event occurred, it might be some deep personal feeling that the event brought out in you. Getting at the What helps you deal with it.
The Why won't always apply to everyone but often there is a Why that causes that What to hurt so bad. What is the Why in your case?
It's important to be brutally honest with yourself on these questions even though the process may be painful.
And then we get to the fourth W, When. When are you finally going to let go of the Who, What, and Why and move on with your life?
I've had an email exchange with a friend who now lives in another state. Moving was part of her way of dealing with an earthquake. Early on she asked the very basic question of 'Why can't I just stay mad?' I said you can, as long as staying mad doesn't turn into bitterness and anger and start to affect your relationships with those who matter to you.
Last night she wrote this to me:
The Who might be a person, a company, God, or all of the above for that matter. It typically is some target for your anger.
The What is the core issue that really eats at you. It might be the actual event, it might be the way the event occurred, it might be some deep personal feeling that the event brought out in you. Getting at the What helps you deal with it.
The Why won't always apply to everyone but often there is a Why that causes that What to hurt so bad. What is the Why in your case?
It's important to be brutally honest with yourself on these questions even though the process may be painful.
And then we get to the fourth W, When. When are you finally going to let go of the Who, What, and Why and move on with your life?
I've had an email exchange with a friend who now lives in another state. Moving was part of her way of dealing with an earthquake. Early on she asked the very basic question of 'Why can't I just stay mad?' I said you can, as long as staying mad doesn't turn into bitterness and anger and start to affect your relationships with those who matter to you.
Last night she wrote this to me:
In all honesty, I would have to admit the anger has taken on a life of its own and is leading me towards bitterness-not good. An obstacle I have had is discerning between forgiveness and letting go. If I forgive am I saying 'hey, what happened is ok' vs. letting go and saying 'hey what happened happened and I am moving on'. Sounds simple enough to a point but a fine line and work in progress for me. Then I read your reply. I have to say when I have felt the anger coming on, I ask myself when I am going to be ready to get over it......a question I have to answer with 'now' because life is good!
Unfortunately this is the case for many people after these earthquake events. The acute trauma turns into chronic anger, hanging around their neck like a boat anchor, locking them in place for the rest of their lives.
Note the comment that getting past it doesn't mean forgiving it. You don't have to forget it you just can't afford to relive it every day.
Listen, it's not easy getting past this stuff, I get that. You just have to do it and I don't know of any other way to say it. Maybe I help you, maybe a friend or family member helps you, maybe a pastor helps you, maybe you figure it out on your own, I don't care what the pathway is but you have to make that big step. When you do you are going to have that feeling of that boat anchor getting pulled off your shoulders.
I replied to last night's email as follows:
Two things.
1. If now is now then do it. You can't really commit to the new if you're hanging onto the old.
2. You will have occasional flashbacks and setbacks. Expect it. They're temporary.
This is true for everybody and I've experienced it. There is no straight line up for shaking this stuff.
The setbacks will happen, they will become less frequent, they will become more tolerable, but they probably won't go to zero.
Maybe today is your When day, when you finally start letting go and moving ahead. At least try it. It won't make you feel any worse than you've been feeling and you know I'm right about that.
KS
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