Thursday, February 25, 2016

Leonard Sterling

I used to be involved in the industry associated with the sales and distribution of printed materials.
More precisely I was involved in the sales and distribution of newspapers.
Even more precisely I was a newspaper boy.
I spent my grade school years in University City, a near west suburb of St. Louis. When I say near west I mean on one side was the city and the other side was the suburb.
U City was a heavily Jewish community. Jewish temples, delis, and bakeries were everywhere.
Down the street from me was a small orthodox temple. I learned that if I would hang around there around sundown on Fridays they would pay me a quarter to turn on their lights. I used to ask my Mom why they just didn't do it themselves. Later on I realized orthodox Jews weren't allowed to operate things like like switches from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. I have no idea who turned the lights off but it wasn't me.
I attended Delmar Harvard grade school grades 4-6.  It's still there, I looked a few weeks ago, at the northwest corner of Delmar and Kingsland. My newspaper stand was on the northeast corner.
Back in the day, maybe 1963-66, St. Louis had two newspapers. The Globe Democrat published in the morning and the Post Dispatch in the afternoon.
The corner of Delmar and Kingsland was busy after school. A street car line ran Delmar at first and was replaced by busses taking commuters from the downtown offices back out to the "suburbs."
I would get two deliveries of papers, about 55 each time. The last delivery was the 3 star and it had all the final stock prices in it. Often a bus would stop and a guy would holler out wanting the 3 star and I would sell it through the bus window.
The paper sold for 7 cents and I received 2.5 cents per paper sold. Can you imagine that? The company was profitable on 4.5 cents per paper. So I could make a couple of bucks a day, a lot of money for a kid in the sixties.
Fortunately or unfortunately there was an ice cream store on that very corner called Martha Washington's. Much of my profit never left that corner.
After the sixth grade we moved to the Normandy district and I met a friend named Vince Painter. It was through Vince that I met Leonard Sterling.
Leonard weighed 400 pounds. He was Jewish. He wore thick black framed glasses. He had a high pitched, whiny, nasally voice. He and his Dad Irving owned I&L Delivers, meaning Irving and Leonard's newspaper route.
Leonard had a truck about the size of a UPS truck only shorter. It had sliding doors on both sides of the front. The side panels were cut out and replaced by heavy rollup plastic and canvas.
On Saturday nights Leonard would pick up Vince and I. We sat in the back and rolled the Sunday edition, all 1000-1200 of them. Leonard loved country music and would sit in the front singing along to this godawful scratchy AM radio in the truck.
That voice was like fingernails on a chalk board.
To roll a fat Sunday paper you take the closed end and place it in your lap near your belly. Roll it tightly and take it through a figure 8 in the string tying machine. Then you slam it down in order to trigger the tying and cutting mechanism of the machine. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
When we were done we got to stand in the passenger front door opening and throw. Leonard would say 'Okay, Smithmier, corner house, skip 2, 3 in a row, skip 1, hit 2." He had the route memorized.
There was an art to throwing. You needed to hit the sidewalk. You needed to get close to the door. However if you threw it too flat and hit the sidewalk it would skid and tear. You needed some loft. Kind of like a short iron to the green.
We had a run at midnight and a run at 3. Between runs Leonard took us to Pratzel's Bakery on Eastgate, this fabulous Jewish bakery. He knew the owner and they would open the back door for us and let us get free freshly baked pastries at 3AM. OMG, the greatest things I ever tasted.
Somewhere along the 2 years I worked for Leonard he decided to go on a diet. I think he just quit eating. He said he dropped to 160 but I swear he didn't look it. But being the kindhearted teenagers that we were Vince and I would wave donuts in Leonards face, come on Leonard, we know you want this, we know it, watch this Leonard, and then we would shove an entire donut in our mouths. Never fazed him.
Leonard was a good guy. Once in a while we would roll on a weekday and he would take us bowling. He only paid for one game but he didn't even have to do that for us.
Leonard Sterling is another one of those people in my past that deserved better from me.
You might think that I'm wrapped up in regret over people like Arno and Leonard. Nope.
Remember this: There's no reason to feel bad about how you used to be. Just feel bad if you don't change.
KS



Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Arno Kracht


Mr. Kracht taught English at Normandy High School in St. Louis. Somehow I would up in an Honors English class in my junior year and he got stuck with me.
That would have been the school year of 1971-72 and I would say he was about 30 at the time.
My high school had the honor of being the first in St. Louis to experience race riots. I'm talking fights, bats, chains, desks being thrown out upper story windows, teachers with nervous breakdowns, the whole nine yards. That was followed by chain link fencing, school IDs, security guards, etc.
A really great environment for an already semi dysfunctional teenager like me.
Like so often happens in troubled schools today there are always teachers who just keep trying to do their job in the midst of the turmoil all around them. Thus was Mr. Kracht.
One day we had to do an in class assignment on Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. Even a screw up like me had a hard time avoiding an assignment due in 20 minutes. We had to take one of the tales and rewrite it from medieval English to modern. I chose the Miller.
At the end of the class, much to my chagrin, he chose mine to read aloud. Then he kept me after class to talk to me.
He said he knew I could do that kind of work all of the time and he just didn't understand why I didn't.
I looked at him and said I knew I could too but saw no reason to prove it to anyone other than myself.
Wasn't that just a terrible thing to say? It embarrasses me to this day. My behavior didn't deserve a teacher like him.
I made a brief attempt at doing a blog about 5 years ago. I wrote about Mr. Kracht then. For a variety of reasons I stopped blogging and sometime after I would up learning that someone read the post, knew him, sent it to him, and he tried to contact me. The person said Mr. Kracht had indicated he didn't remember me being such a jerk to him. Unfortunately by that time I had stopped checking the blog and never got to talk to him.
I owed him a thank you for his effort. Even if he didn't remember my behavior I obviously do and he deserved  better from me.
Every one of you has somebody like Mr. Kracht in your past. You better find them and thank them before it's too late for either of you. Otherwise you will just sit and around and remember your own personal Mr. Kracht stories and wish you had done better.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Random Post

Son Mike came from Oxford this weekend to see everyone in Nashville. As part of the moving process several tubs of old stuff got redistributed out to the kids. As he was going through his he found some old pictures of mine and got them put on a DVD. They're all from my Navy days and all of other people except this beauty:
I just knew you were all dying to see such a lovely photo of me. That is actually me on the top bunk in case you couldn't tell. Yes I'm sleeping with a guitar.
Side story--I had my appendix out I think in the summer before my freshman year in high school. I succeeded in talking my mother into buying me a guitar. But I didn't know how to play. The music store had a Lennon/McCartney song book that showed where your fingers went for each chord in a song. So that summer I took the book and taught myself to play guitar by looking at the pictures. Over the years I have used the same learning method to try and teach myself how to coach grade school basketball and rewire my old house in Nebraska. I achieved the same level of mediocrity in all three endeavors.
Back to the picture.
That is a room in the barracks at Submarine Base, Pearl Harbor, late 1973.
My bunkmate was Cal. Cal was a tobacco chewing good ol' boy, a very good guy, a machinist's mate on one of the boats. (In the Navy subs are boats and surface vessels are ships.)
He was my first bunkmate when I arrived there from Hospital Corps School in San Diego.
I loved the duty there. Submariners are their own special breed. You have to be to do what they do.
At the time Sub Base had its own dispensary. Two docs and maybe 5-6 Corpsmen. The only people that treated Corpsmen ("docs") better than submariners were Marines. We had it made.
I turned 19 at that place and omg did they throw me a party.
I dropped out of high school to join the Navy in 1972 and had my 18th birthday in boot camp. It turned my life around. I had a new start. Nobody knew me or my history. I had no rep to live up to anymore. And I met a system I knew I couldn't change, so I had to learn to maneuver and thrive within it. And I did.
One day one of the docs gave me a flyer detailing a program whereby high performing enlisted men could apply for midshipman status at the Naval Academy. He said all the officers thought I should go and I would have the CO's support. I remember being intimidated by the prospect and distinctly recall dropping it in the trash can, to the right of the door, in the first exam room on the right, as you walked down the hall from the check in desk.
It's my only regret of that time. I've tried ever since to not let things like that scare me.
KS


Saturday, February 20, 2016

Grandpa and Hannah

This week is busy around here. My wife will be in week 2 of the new job, fewer hours than the first week but busy nonetheless. My daughter and son in law take 4 year old Cameron to Disney for the first time Wednesday thru Sunday. Soooo on Thursday morning that leaves me to get 18 month old Hannah up, fed, changed, dressed, and off to day care. And then on Saturday from about 8-3 it is Hannah and Grandpa.
Daughter Sarah takes great delight in this prospect. Though she won't come out and say it I know she has at least a little of 'OMG' in her about Grandpa and Hannah alone for these stretches.
One of the great things that has happened to me over the last few weeks is being this close to my grandchildren. Only now have I realized that in all my other visits I wasn't really "here." The job followed me. Texts, emails, phone call, phone conferences. Body in Nashville, mind in Decatur.
Now I am actually understanding these two little personalities.
Cameron is just like his Dad. A little reserved, analytical, methodical. This morning I made the awful mistake of trying to dress him in the wrong order. He explained to me that it must be underwear, pants, shirt, socks, shoes. In. That. Order.
With Cameron there is a process and you will follow it. Yes boss.
I have come to describe Hannah as exuberant. She hollers in the truck for the sheer pleasure of making noise. If there is something that can be climbed you will see her on top of it. If there is a spot to be entered she is already in it.
So when it is just me with her I will revert to my fundamental premise of child raising: Just Give Them What They Want.
It's not as permissive as it sounds, it's just that I learned a long time ago that logic and rationality rarely work with a toddler. As long as what they want it is no worse than aggravation then just give it to them. They only stay with it for about a minute anyway.
So next Saturday Hannah and I are going to Costco. Food always placates her. I think we can spend at least an hour hitting all the food sampling stations that I usually stroll right by. Maybe a stop by Uncle Kenny's for coffee. Maybe a playground if the weather is nice. Then her nap.
Before I moved down here I had good conversation with a long time friend of mine, Duane Noland. Many of you know him. One of the best guys around, always too good for the ugly Illinois political world he lived in for a few years.
We talked about grandchildren and he said "You know, being a grandpa is a mighty calling."
How right he was and the statement really hit home with me.
Whether it's your friends or your family please think about being "there" fully when you're with them. Don't fall into the body there, mind gone trap that I was in for awhile. You miss too much and it's just not worth it.
I will miss Cameron while he's gone but I can't wait till it's time for just Grandpa and Hannah.
KS



Thursday, February 18, 2016

More Email from Friends

In the Understand phase of the CURE we first work through the Who What and Why of your earthquake.
The Who might be a person, a company, God, or all of the above for that matter. It typically is some target for your anger.
The What is the core issue that really eats at you. It might be the actual event, it might be the way the event occurred, it might be some deep personal feeling that the event brought out in you. Getting at the What helps you deal with it.
The Why won't always apply to everyone but often there is a Why that causes that What to hurt so bad. What is the Why in your case?
It's important to be brutally honest with yourself on these questions even though the process may be painful.
And then we get to the fourth W, When. When are you finally going to let go of the Who, What, and Why and move on with your life?
I've had an email exchange with a friend who now lives in another state. Moving was part of her way of dealing with an earthquake. Early on she asked the very basic question of 'Why can't I just stay mad?' I said you can, as long as staying mad doesn't turn into bitterness and anger and start to affect your relationships with those who matter to you.
Last night she wrote this to me:


In all honesty, I would have to admit the anger has taken on a life of its own and is leading me towards bitterness-not good.  An obstacle I have had is discerning between forgiveness and letting go.  If I forgive am I saying 'hey, what happened is ok' vs. letting go and saying 'hey what happened happened and I am moving on'.  Sounds simple enough to a point but a fine line and work in progress for me.  Then I read your reply.  I have to say when I have felt the anger coming on, I ask myself when I am going to be ready to get over it......a question I have to answer with 'now' because life is good!

Unfortunately this is the case for many people after these earthquake events. The acute trauma turns into chronic anger, hanging around their neck like a boat anchor, locking them in place for the rest of their lives.
Note the comment that getting past it doesn't mean forgiving it. You don't have to forget it you just can't afford to relive it every day.
Listen, it's not easy getting past this stuff, I get that.  You just have to do it and I don't know of any other way to say it. Maybe I help you, maybe a friend or family member helps you, maybe a pastor helps you, maybe you figure it out on your own, I don't care what the pathway is but you have to make that big step. When you do you are going to have that feeling of that boat anchor getting pulled off your shoulders.
I replied to last night's email as follows:

Two things. 
1. If now is now then do it. You can't really commit to the new if you're hanging onto the old. 
2.  You will have occasional flashbacks and setbacks. Expect it. They're temporary.

This is true for everybody and I've experienced it. There is no straight line up for shaking this stuff. 
The setbacks will happen, they will become less frequent, they will become more tolerable, but they probably won't go to zero.
Maybe today is your When day, when you finally start letting go and moving ahead. At least try it. It won't make you feel any worse than you've been feeling and you know I'm right about that.
KS

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Emotional Earthquake Question

Today I received this from a friend:

Hi Ken! I have been following your blogs and have enjoyed them all. One thing that came to my mind was what about the spouses/loved ones of the person having the emotional earthquake. My husband had his own earthquake which left me to hold the family together and keep things running. Will this curriculum help those of us who have had that experience or will that be something you will develop alongside the emotional earthquake curriculum? Just wondering.

I'm glad this point came up and I thank the person for asking.
I think the curriculum will be as valuable for the loved ones as it will be for the person directly affected.
Using the phrase "directly affected" doesn't sound right to me but I think you know what I mean.
When an earthquake hits it rattles the whole house and everyone in it. I know from my own experience how true this is.
It would be especially true if the person directly affected can't or won't confront what happened and respond to it. In an earlier post I mentioned someone had posed the question to me 'Why can't I just stay mad?'
My answer was you certainly can if you choose to but if staying made gets to the point of hurting those around you then you have let your anger turn into selfishness.
The ideal circumstance would be for the couple come to the class together. I think it could be powerfully effective. I had a couple sign up yesterday. I don't know what their objective is.
In this case the next best is for the husband to attend so we can try and help him past it. The next best is for the wife to attend so she can deal with his inability to get past the issue.
Some of you may know friends or family members in this situation, or maybe even yourself.
I hope you can come, and I hope some of them might join you.
If anyone has other questions please let me know. If you are wondeing about something I guarantee someone else is too.
I've had a very good enrollment response. Please email me about attending, even if you're not positive yet. I want to be sure I save seats.
If you think speaking with me is helpful please email me and I will be in touch.
Ken@NashvilleThinker.com
Thanks
KS


 

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Let's Be Unrealistic

Oftentimes when people are thinking about their future they will remind themselves to be realistic.
Sometimes when they talk about those plans out loud to their friends or family they will be reminded to be realistic. They mean well.
I would encourage you to do the opposite.
I'll give you two concepts to consider.
One is a rubber band. The only way you know its limit is to stretch it until it breaks. Most people won't do that. If it breaks it might hurt. If it breaks you have to find a new rubber band.
When you put a real stretch goal into your head it stretches your consciousness like a rubber band. Tension gets created because there is now a gap between what you want to achieve and what your current state of reality is. Your mind will always resolve the tension and it will do so in one of two ways.
One is you will reach your goal. Tension resolved. The other is you will fail. Tension resolved.
The third alternative, which many many people adopt, is to just continue to fantasize about your goals with out ever REALLY committing to the effort to achieve them. Thus the tension continues, your subconscious knows what's really going on in your head, and some day you finally have to admit that not only didn't you make it, but you really didn't even try. It's a feeling even worse than failure.
Why do people put themselves through this?
It brings me to the second concept, the What versus the How. Most people will not commit to a big effort until they know exactly how it will be achieved. If they commit to the What before knowing the How they might fail, it might not work, oh horror of horrors, we might be disappointed.
So what? Get over it. Pick your damn self up and get started again.
I've been carrying a thought around in my head about this Emotional Earthquake class. I've been thinking I'd like to teach it to 10, 000 people in person, no on line classes. 10, 000. Now how am I going to get that done? I have no idea. Where will they come from? I have no idea. Where will I do all these classes? I have no idea? How long will it take? I have no idea. Can I hit that goal? I have no idea. 
But. 
I learned how to incorporate a little company pretty quickly. I'm learning how to build a website. I learned how to start a blog.  I learned there are people who like to read my blog. I learned how to buy internet domains. I learned how to get a logo designed. I learned that I can make business contacts Uber driving to the airport in the morning. I learned that some of those people like to hear my ideas. I learned there are people who will sign up for a class with me. I learned that I know people who know people who might like to hear my ideas. And on and on.
So what about you? You've got some dream rolling around in your head. Might be time to do something about it. You have to start.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Walter Sparks

Wally Sparks is a long time friend of mind. I think we have know each other for about 15 years but I'm really not sure. I'm not even sure how we met although it started out as a business relationship and evolved into a true friendship.
Wally's profession is that of investment adviser and he is everything you would look for: smart, ethical, responsible, and trustworthy.
As so often happens though you meet someone in one context and as you get to know them you find out there is so much more to the person than you realized.
He is a big guy, bigger than me, played tight end at Illinois State a while back, has guns, hunting dogs, loves the outdoors, and......writes poetry.
He and his family have endured their own profound emotional earthquake many years ago, before I really knew him. He was one of the first people to reach out to me last fall. He was, and continues to be, a voice that matters to me.
He is a good example of a person who has used writing as a means of coping with his world. I think part of his writing interest also comes from being an avid reader and history nut, as I am. I think a tendency to write seems to come along with those two behaviors. I knew he wrote poetry as well as prose but I honestly never paid much attention to poetry, his or any other.
I can remember in high school being fascinated with ee cummings (did I punctuate that in the way that would please cummings or am I supposed to do it the proper way?) ((If you don't know who ee cummings is you're just going to have to go look it up)).
Frankly that fascination was probably more to do with his radical style than any substance he may or may not have had.
Nonetheless Wally and I talk fairly regularly, usually a combination of business and personal. After talking for awhile Saturday morning I got an email from him with a poem. Here it is:



Text,
Twitter,
and Facebook.
Add Instagram,
Fast and wonderful,
our communication.
E-Mail, so slow, soon will pass
away and be gone. No more time
spent typing and reading such long tomes.
Just imagine having to write by hand.
Forced to spend time, formulate and to spell.
I can barely recall a key board.
In fact, I remember little.
No worries, just Google it.
I embrace “The Shallows.”
Cocktail Deep Knowledge,
a click away.
With a Link,
my needs
met.

Nicholas Carr is the Author of “The Shallows”

Walter Sparks

Now he starts off his email containing the poem by telling me he chose a double etheree form of writing. Say what?
You might as well talk to me about rebuilding a transmission and start with the type of gears you chose for the job. I have no idea. But in the face of ignorance the one thing you can count on with me is an effort to be less ignorant.
So off we go to the internet for an explanation of double etheree only to find that there is a single, a double, and a reverse available for our writing pleasure:

http://www.poetrymagnumopus.com/index.php?/topic/1204-etheree-double-etheree-reverse-etheree/

I'll save you a little time by explaining that a double etheree starts with a one syllable word and then goes 1-2-3...10 and then reverses. You can see that in his writing.
I like his poem for the substance and the intellectual challenge of figuring out how to write in that style. I have a feeling he knew exactly what he was doing. He knows I can't resist that kind of stuff. I have to do it just to prove to myself I can.
I'm going to write poetry? I can tell you right now many of my family members are laughing out loud. They are simultaneously skeptical and curious about God knows what will come out of my brain in poly-syllabic form. Me too.
But back to Wally. (You can follow him on Facebook by the way and see more of his poetry there.)
He says writing poetry slows him down, something most of us can use more of these days. I know that writing in general helps him. It has helped me too.
In the Emotional Earthquake curriculum I have a unit on therapeutic writing to introduce the topic to people. But you don't need some course to do what Wally does. 
Start writing. Choose your method. Choose your topic. Choose your frequency.
It's not for everybody but it might be for you.
One more thought for you. There are people in your life like Wally that you've known for years. You have always seen them as a certain thing, probably their business persona. Well, everybody has another side to them. Pick one of those people out. Go find out what their "other" story is. Look behind the "uniform."
You might be surprised.
KS




Saturday, February 13, 2016

Emotional Earthquake Workshop

I have decided that the first presentation of my material will be in Decatur, IL, on Tuesday, March 22, 2016. I've checked on options for meeting rooms and I have several but won't make a final decision on location until I have some sense of turnout.
The session will run from 4:30 to 8:00. Since this is the first time I've presented the material it's hard to judge the time exactly but I think that will work.
The price will be $40 per person. I had to bump it up a little bit since the costs for food and the room turned out to be higher than I expected. As I said earlier if money is an issue for you please contact me directly and we will work it out.
There won't be a full dinner but given the time of day I felt I needed to be sure there was enough there to keep you from starving to death. Once I get more details I will provide them.
The website, and the ability to pay with a credit card, won't be up by then. All you need to do is bring cash or check to pay at the time. You will also need to email me at Ken@NashvilleThinker.com with your name and phone number so I can reserve a spot for you.
It's hard to predict the turnout but there has been a substantial level of interest so far. On one hand I'd like as many people as possible because if the information is meaningful to you then I would like to see you there. On the other hand I know that if the group gets too large it can make it a little harder to connect on an individual basis. I won't put a limit on attendance numbers unless it gets excessive.
The basic format is about 8-10 units using a structure of presentation/exercise/discussion.
The exercises will be just for you to have a chance to apply the materials to your circumstances.
There will be no forced sharing of information from any one. Contributions from attendees always help in a workshop but these are very sensitive issue and I will never put anyone on the spot with a question or expectation.
I hope to see a lot of you. Please let me know ASAP of your intent so I can save you a seat.
If you have other questions just let me know.
Thanks
KS


Friday, February 12, 2016

Anonymous Comments

I deleted a bunch of them today. I was suspicious and did a little digging and got my suspicions confirmed so out they go.
I greatly value the things most of you have to say. That's why I have allowed comments directly on the blog and I have included my email for those of you who prefer, for any reason, to communicate with me privately. Many have chosen that path and some of you have also used the Facebook Messenger service. Whatever works for you.
Going forward I'm going to delete any Anonymous comments no matter how kind or gracious they might sound on the surface. I assume if that hurts your feelings, and your intentions were good, you will simply identify yourself in an email to me and we can discuss it.
Thanks

 

Thursday, February 11, 2016

The Blog Effect

I'm still not exactly sure why I started this blog. Part of the stimulus came from nephew Don who just made an offhanded comment that I needed to blog about my Uber experiences.
I get a million things through my head and sometimes they feel like they all come at once. Sometimes just one hits me but it seems to hit me with blinding clarity, or at least blinding clarity to me.
But then I think about it and I wonder if that particular thought has any meaning to anyone other than me. Oftentimes I conclude not and that thought never sees the black and white of a word processor.
Over the last few weeks I've learned that things often only make sense to me once I start to write. It's my version of the What vs. the How. In other words I have an emotion in me that needs to come out, the What, but I'm not sure of the How to say it until I start to write.
The Ross School of Business is located at the University of Michigan. It is the center of what is called Positive Organizational Scholarship, the business version of growth through positive thinking.
I attended a course there about 10 years ago and it had a profound effect on me.
Bob Quinn was a faculty member there, he wrote a book called Deep Change and I recommend it highly. There's a line in that I've always remembered about any kind of meaningful journey of change: You have to build the bridge as you walk on it.
That's exactly what this blog is. I'm building as I walk. I have no idea what's coming. I have no idea when. I have no idea if anyone will read it. I have no idea how any of you will respond. I am amazed at the comments and emails and private messages that I get from people. I have no idea why some blog posts resonate with people more than others. And yet it seems like the more I write the more I need to write and the more things I think to write about.
All of this is a really long way of saying thank you to the comments I've received about I Got Tested. So many of you said so many nice things. I wasn't seeking that and I think you know it but I am very grateful nonetheless.
KS



I Got Tested

I have some family members who are dealing with some very difficult health related issues right now. It's the kind of stuff that just makes you wonder how life can sometimes seem to be so cruel and unfair.
I've been monitoring a text thread that's been circulating for a few weeks that has kept several of us up to date on what's happening. I read each one but have pretty much been in the intake mode with little to respond to.
Then yesterday I have a text exchange with one of the principals involved in the issue and I could "hear" something different. And the word earthquake was used because the person knew I would get it immediately.
I was in my office and I sat there and stared at the phone for awhile. I reread the text several times. And then I started talking to myself.
Okay, Ken, this is a real big issue and people that are closest to it are really feeling it.
Okay, Ken, you have been telling yourself that when this kind of thing pops up you are going to at least make the effort to reach out and see what you can do.
Okay, Ken, here you are staring at your phone, what are you going to do now? You going to find some rationalization for not calling?
'Oh, she's got so much on her mind right now, another call would just be a bother.'
'Oh she's got my number, I'm sure she'll call me if she thinks I can help.'
'Oh, this is such a difficult situation, the closer I get to it the more draining it will be for me too.'
So I texted her and asked if she had time to talk, which we did about 30 minutes later.
She's a lot like me. A businesswoman. Smart. Driven. Has always, and will always, step up to the plate and bear the burden.
So we talked. First she went through the beginning of the issue in more detail and that was helpful to hear. The health issue is not hers, but with a family member so close that it might as well be hers.
I listened and then I asked 'How are you?' She then proceeded to recite a bunch of medical particulars, sounding more like a doc giving a patient update than a stressed out family member. So I interrupted and said you know, that's all interesting, but that's not what I asked. I asked how YOU were.
And then came the tears. And then a good talk. And a revisit of some ancient but very relevant history of hers. And an admission that this event is now dredging up all those old memories. And the sleep troubles. And the fears of the worst while hoping for the best. All the stuff we all go through.
It was a stark reality for me of what she is dealing with and made me so glad I called.
She asked for advice. I gave the best I could.
But the call took an overt decision on my part. Many of you would have called her two weeks ago. I'm grateful that the world has people like you in it. But I'm not naturally wired that way.
 I'm working on it.
So I got tested.  I would give myself a C but at least I think I passed.
I have pledged to myself that I am staying in the buggy with her on this one until it's settled. I am determined not to fail her, but just as importantly to not fail myself.
What about you? Do you spot those tests when they show up? Can you look yourself in the mirror every day and give yourself a passing grade?
If not what are you doing about it?
KS



Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Authentic Happiness

I have followed Dr. Martin Seligman from the University of Pennsylvania for years. He is a leading researcher, if not THE leading researcher, on optimism and pessimism.
His website is:
https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/
I encourage you to take a look at it.
As of today I am an official associate member of the International Positive Psychology Association. Ta da!!
My interest in that membership is greater access to their research and educational materials so I can digest it and share the good stuff with you.
Today I ran across an itemon their site about a new book by William Damon and Anne Colby - The Power of Ideals: The Real Story of Moral Choice.
Earthquakes will bring some humility to you if you don't already have it. Most of us don't humble ourselves enough on a routine basis. I don't think we choose not to I just don't think we think about it until disaster strikes.
Anyway, there is a link for a humility assessment along with the description of the book:
http://92yondemand.org/humility-quiz
It only takes a few minutes, see what you think.
KS

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Progress Report

Today I printed off 41 Powerpoint slides representing the first complete draft of the Emotional Earthquake curriculum. I am modestly happy with it.
The first two steps of CURE, Confront and Understand, will take the most time and be the most difficult. They will force us through the pain of the process of dredging up things we might prefer not to deal with. Once through those the Rebuild and Evolve portions will be positive and forward thinking.
I always had a rule of thumb of 5 minutes talking time per slide. Over time I learned that between things I would spontaneously add and the comments/questions from attendees the time added up quickly. I think I have enough material but won't know for sure till that first class wraps up. I remember doing the radio on my own a few times and the ever present fear was running out of stuff to talk about before the show ended.
I have received preliminary information on the launch of the website. It's more money than I expected but after checking with a few people it seems to be reasonable for the features I am seeking. So I may wind up just having to bite the bullet.
I'm having an interesting experience with a logo. I went on the VistaPrint website Saturday. All I wanted to do was get business cards. Then they asked about my logo. Well, I don't have one.
Well, I probably need one. Well, I think I might like one.
So I started playing around with do it yourself, on line graphics design programs. Allow me now to pull into the conversation one of my all time favorite movie guys, Dirty Harry Callahan, played, of course, by the one and only Clint Eastwood.
In the original Dirty Harry film, after killing some bad guy who had the crazy idea that he could get the best of Harry, Callahan says 'A man's got to know his limitations.' I love that line.
The point is I have no business whatsoever doing graphic design. No problem, VistaPrint has this deal with a company called Design Crowd. They have like 500, 000 graphic designers world wide that do freelance work. I filled out some paperwork, told them the company name, told them about what I hope to do, what my logo ideas were, etc. They sent it out to 20 designers  and within 24 hours I started getting design proposals. Once I choose the designer I like best I get unlimited changes and re work until I'm satisfied. $239.00.  Granted it's still a couple hundred bucks but once I saw the caliber of work I immediately knew I did the right thing. A man's got to know his limitations.
That's it for now. I have been hearing from a lot of people but would like to hear more. Your comments are incredibly valuable to me so please add it to the blog or email me directly.
As Harry would say, make my day.
KS
Nashville Thinker

Monday, February 8, 2016

Cam Newton

I admit I was cheering for Manning and the Broncos. I am not anti Carolina Panthers or anti Cam Newton. I just thought the "riding off into the sunset" angle for Manning was too appealing and I wanted him to win.
I also want him to retire now. He clearly is not the QB he used to be and if he doesn't retire he will lose my support immediately. Aging athletes who can't/won't recognize the loss of their skills are not very sympathetic figures. I'm sure Peyton Manning is very concerned about losing my support.
I follow the NFL but not like I follow college football. I was a lot more aware of Cam Newton when he was at Auburn than since he has been a pro. Apparently there has been some controversy over his touchdown celebrations but I don't get too worked up about that stuff.
He came across as a very appealing character in a pregame interview with James Brown yesterday. He talked about love of the game, respect for the great players that came before him, many of whom he named by name, and about having fun playing football. I found him very refreshing.
Then came the game. His team lost, he played badly, he has been questioned for lack of effort in chasing a loose ball, and sulked his way through his post-game interview. Not much fun.
It's easy to be cheery and charitable when things are going well. They were 17-1 going into the Super Bowl. They were 5 point favorites to win the game. Cam Newton was being touted as the new "face of the game."
Then the Denver defense showed up and Cam was suddenly normal, human, and below average as a quarterback.
I wonder how hard it will be for him to remember his love of the game as opposed to simply the love of a victory. I can only imagine the pain of a loss in the Super Bowl. Many players never play in one. Many of those who do never play in a second one. There is no guarantee whatsoever that Cam Newton will ever appear in another Super Bowl. Odds are he will but.....
It's what happens to all of us when life throws us a curveball. We lament that loss so much that we forget that that's how life goes. We sulk, pout, get mad, and walk out of our proverbial press conferences.
Well, life shows up the next day just like football will next year for Cam Newton.
There is no reset button Cam.
You lost. Your team sucked. Your stats were certainly not NFL MVP worthy. You are not Super Bowl champs. Your 15-1 record this year will be meaningless next year when every team starts 0-0 and has an equal chance to get to the big game.
So what are you going to do abou it Cam? Deny reality? Fold up? Not look at the tape of how awful you played? Not work on improvement?
And how about you? Do you want the world to see you quit on life like Cam quit on a play? Do you want to pull your sweatshirt hood over your head and give one word answers to questions because you're so depressed about your failure?
My bet is that Cam gets back on the field soon. Picks up a ball. Throws. Runs. Lifts. Uses his loss as fuel for his next success.
That should be you too. You need to start today.
KS
Nashville Thinker

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Weekend Thoughts

Two nights in a row now I've slept about 7 hours straight, last night almost 8. It is the first time in months I've woken up without automatically looking forward to when I could take a nap. I guess that's what normal feels like.
I'm not going to do any intentional brain work today. Notice I say intentional. My brain works all the time, I know that about myself and I've gotten used to it, but I mean I'm not going into the office or anything like that.
I'm going to be intentionally social today instead. What does that mean?
Remember that these big events can easily cause you to withdraw internally and isolate yourself, physically and emotionally. You might even do it without really even noticing. If that's you, then maybe you can spend at least part of day intentionally connecting with people, going somewhere, looking, noticing, talking.
Here's a side benefit that you might not know about. Your subconscious will work on questions and problems even when you are not consciously thinking about them. That's why sometimes we wake up in the morning and have an answer to some problem that's been bugging us. Your subconscious works best when you are in a relaxed state like sleep.
So take it easy today. Enjoy life, your friends, your family, It'll be fun and maybe even your brain will solve a problem for your without you even trying.
I'll be with my family today and have dinner tonight with my daughter and son in law. Going to some place in the city called Park Cafe.
Here's the small plate menu:
http://parkcafenashville.com/#menu-item-301
We enjoy eating at places like this. There is something much more meaningful about a meal when a plate of food is shared rather than everyone just having their own.
And then tomorrow we will all participate in cooking for Super Bowl Sunday. Ribs and chicken wings on the smoker plus other stuff. I love the smoker. It slows me down. It occupies my time and my brain. It appears I am reasonably good at it so I get great satisfaction from watching people eat what I cook.
So all in all my weekend looks like this: family, food, wine, more food, cigar, more food, football. My darn mind will be so relaxed it will just think like crazy and I won't even have to try.
So let's have an intentional weekend. You decide what it looks like but let's get it done.

“Pull up a chair. Take a taste. Come join us. Life is so endlessly delicious.” 
Ruth Reichl

“Food is symbolic of love when words are inadequate.” 
-Alan D. Wolfelt

"Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all." 
-Harriet van Horne

“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world." 
-J.R.R. Tolkien

"If you really want to make a friend, go to someone's house and eat with him… the people who give you their food give you their heart." 
-Cesar Chavez

After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relatives. 
-Oscar Wilde

Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks. 
-Marilyn Wann


Friday, February 5, 2016

Planning Update

Here's where things stand on getting this operation, whatever the heck it turns out to be, up and running.
Incorporation papers for my little company are being filed as we speak.
I told you earlier I have acquired the domain names NashvilleThinker.com and EmotionalEarthquake.com. I also acquired EvolveHigher.com because I am planning on writing a second curriculum that will use Evolve from the CURE concept as its starting point. That curriculum will be aimed at people who have worked their way through the CURE process and now want to accelerate their growth. It will also be helpful to all of those who have never experienced an emotional trauma but are interested in something that can help them advance and grow.
Here is the rough outline of the modules for the Emotional Earthquake curriculum:
Introduction
Managing Emotional Trauma
Confront
--Signs and Symptoms
--Therapeutic Writing
Understand
--PTSD
--What/Who/Why/When
--Gratitude
ReBuild
Evolve
--What vs. How
I originally thought about 8-10 units would be right and it looks like that's where I'll wind up. I anticipate the class going 3-4 hours. Obviously it's a work in progress and will change daily.
I hope to do the first class in Decatur in the March/April timeframe. I hope some of you will be interested.
I am moving ahead.
KS
Nashville Thinker

 

I Owe You an Explanation

I owe you an explanation about something you don't even know happened. I'm doing this because I have received so many comments from people about being direct and honest on this blog and I feel I have an obligation to you to continue in that vein at all times.
I didn't feel very good yesterday. I couldn't put my finger on it but I noticed it from the moment I got up. I intended to to work out but didn't have it in me. I pushed myself to get various things done, had a brief nap in the afternoon, and fell asleep a little after 8PM and slept until 3. I was exhausted.
And then I remembered I had a bad dream Wednesday night. That hadn't happened in a while.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has three categories of symptoms:
Hyper arousal
Re Experiencing
Numbing
Re experiencing can include nightmares, bad dreams, intrusive memories, and flashbacks. That's what happened to me Wednesday night.
My dream included real people with faces and names, people who were associated with my event.
The actual situation never occurred, but it was analogous to what happened and was close enough to the real thing to scare me awake. I fell asleep again but I don't think it was normal sleep and I think the dream affected me all day.
I tell you all this because I think many of you know what it's like. It's normal, ok? Your're not weird, you're not going crazy. It happens, just like it happened to me.
If it's something you've been dealing with for a long time, meaning longer than 3 months or so, then you need to Confront and Understand what's going on and try to put it past you. You may find that professional help would be of great value to you in that process.
Don't just keep putting up with it. Try to address it on your own and if you can't go find someone who can help you.
KS
Nashville Thinker

 

Writing

Many times over the years I've been encouraged to keep a journal. People have always said it helped them sort out their thoughts. I've tried it many times and it just never stuck.
The blog is a journal of sort and I'm not sure why I'm happy doing it but was never happy writing a private journal.
Nonetheless there is some therapeutic value to the process. It does help sort out thoughts. It seems to clarify your own thinking when you have to take the time to write it down. Sometimes it seems to crystallize a point.
I am going to include Therapeutic Writing as a part of the Emotional Earthquake curriculum. I spent some time yesterday working out specifics of the course and even that process, on large sheets of paper taped to the walls, helped me sort things out. I'm going to use a writing exercise as part of the Confront phase. It might be painful when you have to look at the issue in black and white before your very eyes but I think it helps a lot.
In the meantime think about it for yourself. You can write a public blog like mine, a private blog just for friends, you can do an email exchange with someone close, or you can just start writing in a notebook and see what happens. Heck as far as that's concerned you can start writing me, it will probably help both of us!!
On another note I am headed to the gym this morning. I joined the county rec center (free to us veterans!), it's only about 10 minutes from here, and it opens at 5.
I will start the Turkish get ups today. I might do a lightweight Grace (30 clean and jerks for time) since right now light weight is the only way I can get 30 done at a reasonable pace. And maybe some stairmaster work just to get some climbing steps in. It's a standard type gym but I haven't really looked at it in detail so we'll see what we see this morning.
Let's be productive today and positive in everything we do. Let go of something you've been needing to let go of.
KS
Nashville Thinker

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Greetings from Nashville

I officially live here now. Kinda weird. Technically I live in Brentwood which is a south suburb where my daughter lives. In about 3 months I will officially live in Nolensville which is about 10 minutes southeast of here. Doesn't Nolensville sound very Tennessee-like? I feel like Mr. Haney should be showing up any minute now. If you're too young to know who that is go look it up.
I've had such an interesting array of emails in response to my blog. Lots of people have had an earthquake or two in their lives.
The most common thing they mention is how hard the Understanding part of the CURE is.
To recap CURE:
Confront
Understand
Rebuild
Evolve
I will try to explain my thinking on Understand.
First let's recognize that there might be things we simply won't ever understand.
In my case it is apparent that certain things will never be explained to me. They could be but they won't be.
If a loved one gets stricken with a terrible disease you'll never get an explanation as to why.
So it's hard to understand something that can't or won't be explained. Now what? Well I think you have to evaluate your options. Spend the rest of your life aggravated or angry because you can't or don't get an explanation? Someone said to me they don't want to forgive. I said you don't have to, that's up to you. But are you going to stay angry about it too?
If you want to stay mad, if you don't want to forgive, if you want to stay frustrated by lack of explanations, that's all your choice unless it starts to affect those that are closest to you.
If you start to let anger and vengeance eat at you, if you let cynicism and bitterness grow, then you have let the Earthquake tear at your foundation. A weak foundation just makes the rebuild that much tougher.
Listen, those of you who know me know that I will only hold your hand so long. I'll give as much opinion and information as I can but at some point you have to step up to the plate, face the issues, work through the tough things no matter how tough it is, and move on.
This may be the time for some of you.
Ask yourself Why am I mad? Who am I mad at? And What is it that really, really eats at me?
Then ask yourself this: When is it time to let go?
Why. Who. What. When.
You have to remember you simply may not get all the answers you want. Too bad. That may be the best understanding you get.
But you have a life to lead. You have people who count on you. They need 100% of you  and you can't give that if some % of you spends some % of every day reliving past miseries.
Here's another tool you can use for the Why/Who/What exercise. Take a piece of paper and write down the most intimate, painful, awful details of the hurt. You'll hate it. It's a good form of Confrontation. But you might be surprised how therapeutic it is.
Take your shot, see what happens.
Remember: if you don't get past the Understanding, then you can't Rebuild and Evolve. And if you don't do that then you have let the s.o.b.'s win. You're not going to do that and participate in my blog at the same time. So make your choice. Them or me.
KS
Nashville Thinker

Monday, February 1, 2016

A Small Change

My blog is now called Nashville Thinker just in case you didn't notice, lol.
I will still monitor the kskens37@gmail.com address but will start using Ken@NashvilleThinker.com as my primary email.
Thanks.
Lots more to come.
KS