Emotional Earthquake Question

Today I received this from a friend:

Hi Ken! I have been following your blogs and have enjoyed them all. One thing that came to my mind was what about the spouses/loved ones of the person having the emotional earthquake. My husband had his own earthquake which left me to hold the family together and keep things running. Will this curriculum help those of us who have had that experience or will that be something you will develop alongside the emotional earthquake curriculum? Just wondering.

I'm glad this point came up and I thank the person for asking.
I think the curriculum will be as valuable for the loved ones as it will be for the person directly affected.
Using the phrase "directly affected" doesn't sound right to me but I think you know what I mean.
When an earthquake hits it rattles the whole house and everyone in it. I know from my own experience how true this is.
It would be especially true if the person directly affected can't or won't confront what happened and respond to it. In an earlier post I mentioned someone had posed the question to me 'Why can't I just stay mad?'
My answer was you certainly can if you choose to but if staying made gets to the point of hurting those around you then you have let your anger turn into selfishness.
The ideal circumstance would be for the couple come to the class together. I think it could be powerfully effective. I had a couple sign up yesterday. I don't know what their objective is.
In this case the next best is for the husband to attend so we can try and help him past it. The next best is for the wife to attend so she can deal with his inability to get past the issue.
Some of you may know friends or family members in this situation, or maybe even yourself.
I hope you can come, and I hope some of them might join you.
If anyone has other questions please let me know. If you are wondeing about something I guarantee someone else is too.
I've had a very good enrollment response. Please email me about attending, even if you're not positive yet. I want to be sure I save seats.
If you think speaking with me is helpful please email me and I will be in touch.
Ken@NashvilleThinker.com
Thanks
KS


 

Let's Be Unrealistic

Oftentimes when people are thinking about their future they will remind themselves to be realistic.

Sometimes when they talk about those plans out loud to their friends or family they will be reminded to be realistic. They mean well.

I would encourage you to do the opposite.

I'll give you two concepts to consider.

One is a rubber band. The only way you know its limit is to stretch it until it breaks. Most people won't do that. If it breaks it might hurt. If it breaks you have to find a new rubber band.

When you put a real stretch goal into your head it stretches your consciousness like a rubber band. Tension gets created because there is now a gap between what you want to achieve and what your current state of reality is. Your mind will always resolve the tension and it will do so in one of two ways.

One is you will reach your goal. Tension resolved. The other is you will fail. Tension resolved.

The third alternative, which many many people adopt, is to just continue to fantasize about your goals with out ever REALLY committing to the effort to achieve them. Thus the tension continues, your subconscious knows what's really going on in your head, and some day you finally have to admit that not only didn't you make it, but you really didn't even try. It's a feeling even worse than failure.

Why do people put themselves through this?

It brings me to the second concept, the What versus the How. Most people will not commit to a big effort until they know exactly how it will be achieved. If they commit to the What before knowing the How they might fail, it might not work, oh horror of horrors, we might be disappointed.

So what? Get over it. Pick your damn self up and get started again.

I've been carrying a thought around in my head about this Emotional Earthquake class. I've been thinking I'd like to teach it to 10, 000 people in person, no on line classes. 10, 000. Now how am I going to get that done? I have no idea. Where will they come from? I have no idea. Where will I do all these classes? I have no idea? How long will it take? I have no idea. Can I hit that goal? I have no idea. 

But. 

I learned how to incorporate a little company pretty quickly. I'm learning how to build a website. I learned how to start a blog.  I learned there are people who like to read my blog. I learned how to buy internet domains. I learned how to get a logo designed. I learned that I can make business contacts Uber driving to the airport in the morning. I learned that some of those people like to hear my ideas. I learned there are people who will sign up for a class with me. I learned that I know people who know people who might like to hear my ideas. And on and on.

So what about you? You've got some dream rolling around in your head. Might be time to do something about it. You have to start.

Walter Sparks

Wally Sparks is a long time friend of mind. I think we have know each other for about 15 years but I'm really not sure. I'm not even sure how we met although it started out as a business relationship and evolved into a true friendship.
Wally's profession is that of investment adviser and he is everything you would look for: smart, ethical, responsible, and trustworthy.
As so often happens though you meet someone in one context and as you get to know them you find out there is so much more to the person than you realized.
He is a big guy, bigger than me, played tight end at Illinois State a while back, has guns, hunting dogs, loves the outdoors, and......writes poetry.
He and his family have endured their own profound emotional earthquake many years ago, before I really knew him. He was one of the first people to reach out to me last fall. He was, and continues to be, a voice that matters to me.
He is a good example of a person who has used writing as a means of coping with his world. I think part of his writing interest also comes from being an avid reader and history nut, as I am. I think a tendency to write seems to come along with those two behaviors. I knew he wrote poetry as well as prose but I honestly never paid much attention to poetry, his or any other.
I can remember in high school being fascinated with ee cummings (did I punctuate that in the way that would please cummings or am I supposed to do it the proper way?) ((If you don't know who ee cummings is you're just going to have to go look it up)).
Frankly that fascination was probably more to do with his radical style than any substance he may or may not have had.
Nonetheless Wally and I talk fairly regularly, usually a combination of business and personal. After talking for awhile Saturday morning I got an email from him with a poem. Here it is:

Text,
Twitter,
and Facebook.
Add Instagram,
Fast and wonderful,
our communication.
E-Mail, so slow, soon will pass
away and be gone. No more time
spent typing and reading such long tomes.
Just imagine having to write by hand.
Forced to spend time, formulate and to spell.
I can barely recall a key board.
In fact, I remember little.
No worries, just Google it.
I embrace “The Shallows.”
Cocktail Deep Knowledge,
a click away.
With a Link,
my needs
met.

Nicholas Carr is the Author of “The Shallows”

Walter Sparks

Now he starts off his email containing the poem by telling me he chose a double etheree form of writing. Say what?

You might as well talk to me about rebuilding a transmission and start with the type of gears you chose for the job. I have no idea. But in the face of ignorance the one thing you can count on with me is an effort to be less ignorant.

So off we go to the internet for an explanation of double etheree only to find that there is a single, a double, and a reverse available for our writing pleasure:

http://www.poetrymagnumopus.com/index.php?/topic/1204-etheree-double-etheree-reverse-etheree/

I'll save you a little time by explaining that a double etheree starts with a one syllable word and then goes 1-2-3...10 and then reverses. You can see that in his writing.

I like his poem for the substance and the intellectual challenge of figuring out how to write in that style. I have a feeling he knew exactly what he was doing. He knows I can't resist that kind of stuff. I have to do it just to prove to myself I can.

I'm going to write poetry? I can tell you right now many of my family members are laughing out loud. They are simultaneously skeptical and curious about God knows what will come out of my brain in poly-syllabic form. Me too.

But back to Wally. (You can follow him on Facebook by the way and see more of his poetry there.)

He says writing poetry slows him down, something most of us can use more of these days. I know that writing in general helps him. It has helped me too.

In the Emotional Earthquake curriculum I have a unit on therapeutic writing to introduce the topic to people. But you don't need some course to do what Wally does. 

Start writing. Choose your method. Choose your topic. Choose your frequency.

It's not for everybody but it might be for you.

One more thought for you. There are people in your life like Wally that you've known for years. You have always seen them as a certain thing, probably their business persona. Well, everybody has another side to them. Pick one of those people out. Go find out what their "other" story is. Look behind the "uniform."

You might be surprised.

KS

Emotional Earthquake Workshop

I have decided that the first presentation of my material will be in Decatur, IL, on Tuesday, March 22, 2016. I've checked on options for meeting rooms and I have several but won't make a final decision on location until I have some sense of turnout.
The session will run from 4:30 to 8:00. Since this is the first time I've presented the material it's hard to judge the time exactly but I think that will work.
The price will be $40 per person. I had to bump it up a little bit since the costs for food and the room turned out to be higher than I expected. As I said earlier if money is an issue for you please contact me directly and we will work it out.
There won't be a full dinner but given the time of day I felt I needed to be sure there was enough there to keep you from starving to death. Once I get more details I will provide them.
The website, and the ability to pay with a credit card, won't be up by then. All you need to do is bring cash or check to pay at the time. You will also need to email me at Ken@NashvilleThinker.com with your name and phone number so I can reserve a spot for you.
It's hard to predict the turnout but there has been a substantial level of interest so far. On one hand I'd like as many people as possible because if the information is meaningful to you then I would like to see you there. On the other hand I know that if the group gets too large it can make it a little harder to connect on an individual basis. I won't put a limit on attendance numbers unless it gets excessive.
The basic format is about 8-10 units using a structure of presentation/exercise/discussion.
The exercises will be just for you to have a chance to apply the materials to your circumstances.
There will be no forced sharing of information from any one. Contributions from attendees always help in a workshop but these are very sensitive issue and I will never put anyone on the spot with a question or expectation.
I hope to see a lot of you. Please let me know ASAP of your intent so I can save you a seat.
If you have other questions just let me know.
Thanks
KS

Anonymous Comments

I deleted a bunch of them today. I was suspicious and did a little digging and got my suspicions confirmed so out they go.
I greatly value the things most of you have to say. That's why I have allowed comments directly on the blog and I have included my email for those of you who prefer, for any reason, to communicate with me privately. Many have chosen that path and some of you have also used the Facebook Messenger service. Whatever works for you.
Going forward I'm going to delete any Anonymous comments no matter how kind or gracious they might sound on the surface. I assume if that hurts your feelings, and your intentions were good, you will simply identify yourself in an email to me and we can discuss it.
Thanks

 

The Blog Effect

I'm still not exactly sure why I started this blog. Part of the stimulus came from nephew Don who just made an offhanded comment that I needed to blog about my Uber experiences.
I get a million things through my head and sometimes they feel like they all come at once. Sometimes just one hits me but it seems to hit me with blinding clarity, or at least blinding clarity to me.
But then I think about it and I wonder if that particular thought has any meaning to anyone other than me. Oftentimes I conclude not and that thought never sees the black and white of a word processor.
Over the last few weeks I've learned that things often only make sense to me once I start to write. It's my version of the What vs. the How. In other words I have an emotion in me that needs to come out, the What, but I'm not sure of the How to say it until I start to write.
The Ross School of Business is located at the University of Michigan. It is the center of what is called Positive Organizational Scholarship, the business version of growth through positive thinking.
I attended a course there about 10 years ago and it had a profound effect on me.
Bob Quinn was a faculty member there, he wrote a book called Deep Change and I recommend it highly. There's a line in that I've always remembered about any kind of meaningful journey of change: You have to build the bridge as you walk on it.
That's exactly what this blog is. I'm building as I walk. I have no idea what's coming. I have no idea when. I have no idea if anyone will read it. I have no idea how any of you will respond. I am amazed at the comments and emails and private messages that I get from people. I have no idea why some blog posts resonate with people more than others. And yet it seems like the more I write the more I need to write and the more things I think to write about.
All of this is a really long way of saying thank you to the comments I've received about I Got Tested. So many of you said so many nice things. I wasn't seeking that and I think you know it but I am very grateful nonetheless.
KS

I Got Tested

I have some family members who are dealing with some very difficult health related issues right now. It's the kind of stuff that just makes you wonder how life can sometimes seem to be so cruel and unfair.
I've been monitoring a text thread that's been circulating for a few weeks that has kept several of us up to date on what's happening. I read each one but have pretty much been in the intake mode with little to respond to.
Then yesterday I have a text exchange with one of the principals involved in the issue and I could "hear" something different. And the word earthquake was used because the person knew I would get it immediately.
I was in my office and I sat there and stared at the phone for awhile. I reread the text several times. And then I started talking to myself.
Okay, Ken, this is a real big issue and people that are closest to it are really feeling it.
Okay, Ken, you have been telling yourself that when this kind of thing pops up you are going to at least make the effort to reach out and see what you can do.
Okay, Ken, here you are staring at your phone, what are you going to do now? You going to find some rationalization for not calling?
'Oh, she's got so much on her mind right now, another call would just be a bother.'
'Oh she's got my number, I'm sure she'll call me if she thinks I can help.'
'Oh, this is such a difficult situation, the closer I get to it the more draining it will be for me too.'
So I texted her and asked if she had time to talk, which we did about 30 minutes later.
She's a lot like me. A businesswoman. Smart. Driven. Has always, and will always, step up to the plate and bear the burden.
So we talked. First she went through the beginning of the issue in more detail and that was helpful to hear. The health issue is not hers, but with a family member so close that it might as well be hers.
I listened and then I asked 'How are you?' She then proceeded to recite a bunch of medical particulars, sounding more like a doc giving a patient update than a stressed out family member. So I interrupted and said you know, that's all interesting, but that's not what I asked. I asked how YOU were.
And then came the tears. And then a good talk. And a revisit of some ancient but very relevant history of hers. And an admission that this event is now dredging up all those old memories. And the sleep troubles. And the fears of the worst while hoping for the best. All the stuff we all go through.
It was a stark reality for me of what she is dealing with and made me so glad I called.
She asked for advice. I gave the best I could.
But the call took an overt decision on my part. Many of you would have called her two weeks ago. I'm grateful that the world has people like you in it. But I'm not naturally wired that way.
 I'm working on it.
So I got tested.  I would give myself a C but at least I think I passed.
I have pledged to myself that I am staying in the buggy with her on this one until it's settled. I am determined not to fail her, but just as importantly to not fail myself.
What about you? Do you spot those tests when they show up? Can you look yourself in the mirror every day and give yourself a passing grade?
If not what are you doing about it?
KS