Final Comments from Illinois

I didn't intend to write anything else about Decatur. I felt it violated my self imposed rule about looking ahead not behind.
While driving today I realized that there is still one topic to cover before I close this chapter. I need to thank a very small group of people.
It seems like such a cliche to say that you really find out who you can count on when disaster strikes.
It would be a cliche except for the fact that it's true.
I cannot single you out by name. I would be afraid of leaving someone out and some of you would be left in a vulnerable position if you were to be identified.
I hope you know who you are.
You're the ones who called me when I wouldn't take calls.
You're the ones who emailed and texted me when I didn't really want to answer.
You're the ones who tried to see me when I didn't want to be seen.
You're the ones who had coffee or lunch with me.
You're the ones who sent such beautiful cards and notes.
You're the ones who somehow seemed to find excuses to "drop by" occasionally.
You're the ones who just kept on checking on me, whether I thought I needed to be checked on or not. I needed it.
Many people in such circumstances don't bother because they know how difficult the situation is, they're not sure what to do or what to say.
The difference is you tried and you figured it out.
Many years ago I told my wife what I wanted on my tombstone when the time comes:
     "He showed up every day and did the best he could."
I like it and I feel it suits me.
So let me turn it around and send it as a compliment to you:
When I needed it most, you showed up and did the best you could.
That will be the last I speak of my past but it will not be the last that I am grateful for you.
Thank you.
KS

Blog Update

This blog has been an interesting experience for me. I didn't, and I guess still don't, really know what the heck I was getting into or where it would lead.
I passed 10, 000 page views yesterday which sure seems like a lot to me. When I first started writing I wondered if anybody would even care to look. Now I wonder every day if anyone will come back and look a second time. Always something to worry about I guess.
I've had more emails than comments, a lot of people feel more comfortable communicating with me that way than publicly, which is fine of course. I like hearing from you regardless of the method.
Going back on Facebook definitely helped and I've been surprised at the steady number of friend requests I keep getting every day.
I will spend most of today driving so this will be my only post unless the driving time leads to something more substantive.
I would appreciate any suggestions or questions any of you might have on topics. Things rolling around in my head include optimism/pessimism, gratitude, and the various steps in the CURE.
I have some research to do on some of those, and some thinking of course, but any thoughts from you are greatly appreciated.
Enjoy your Sunday. A little cloudy down here right now but I was grilling on the patio at 730 last night in shorts and sandals. :))
KS
Nashville Thinker

Post Traumatic Stress vs. Post Traumatic Growth

 We know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. 

• Romans 5:1-5

In 2005 an awful series of events started when an outside federal agency decided to give extra attention to my then employer. I was a particular focus of that extra attention. Given my very visible role as CEO, and the visibility of my employer within the community,  this series of events did not stay under the public radar as it might in a larger city. Believe it or not I actually retained a criminal defense lawyer, not because I ever believed I did anything wrong, but because both friends and employer encouraged me to not leave anything to chance. I remember interviewing 3 of them in Chicago with a lawyer/friend as an adviser and asking myself exactly what the hell am I doing here??!!

As a result I went through the worst two years of my professional career. I recall now what I did not recognize then as symptoms of depression. Not sleeping at all or wanting to sleep all the time. Social avoidance. Lethargy. I would even leave the lights off in my office and justify it by saying I got plenty of light from the big windows. I must have been awful to be around. Someone organized a support effort on my behalf and a collection of very kind, thoughtful handwritten notes started to appear on my desk. I will never forget them.

My outside "friends" slowly started drifting away in 2007 and finally in 2010 they ended the process by asking if we wanted our records shredded or returned. I resisted the temptation, at our lawyer's urging/begging, to suggest something else they could do with our records.

So finally it was over and I could get back to work. Then about one or two years later I started having this weird constellation of symptoms. Disturbed sleep, edginess, occasional loss of appetite, things like that.

I did what patients do all the time: got on the net and started researching my symptoms. I self diagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I thought, no way, this is a combat thing, not an office thing.

A friend suggested I see a therapist. I thought, no way, I'm not that weirded out. And then I went any way.

I described everything to her and she agreed with my diagnosis. She also thought I understood the what and why of my circumstances, felt I had a good handle on things, and simply suggested I come back as needed. That made me feel better, the symptoms went away, and I never saw her again.

Some of those symptoms starting occurring again in 2015 as I felt some of the pre-quake tremors in my life but they never got to an acute level. I just noticed them.

Then of course the earthquake hit.

My response to this series of events has been very positively different from the events of 2005 and I've been trying to figure out why.

I think it's a combination of things.

1. I think that surviving 2005 helped. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, huh?

2. I see in retrospect that there was no real finality in 2010. No one ever accused me/us of doing something that we could then defend ourselves against and settle the question. And no one every said we were perfectly clear either. When you get accused and your accusers simply disappear some day what are you left with?

3. Researchers describe assimilation vs. accommodation when dealing with a traumatic event. Briefly,  assimilation means you recover but don't grow. Accommodation comes in a negative and positive form. Negative accommodation can lead to hopelessness and fatalism, but positive accommodation leads to post traumatic growth. You gain something positive from something very negative.

It's clear to me I simply assimilated events of 2005-2010. I didn't go back to the therapist to work through it because I thought i had it figured out. I couldn't do something like this blog because it was a topic that was verboten. So it sat there.

This time is very different. I had to deal with the same awkward public viewing of my live body. But this had finality to it. Whether I liked the finality or not I knew exactly what my circumstances were.

And the finality brought the freedom to blog, to move, to do something new.

So there is a real difference between these two ways of responding to earthquakes and fortunately I've experienced both.

My goal is to keep researching, reading, thinking, writing, in the hope that I can help someone else and thus help myself through this lifelong process.

KS

Nashville Thinker

Thoughts So Far

I've had several emails from people in response to the Emotional Earthquake: CURE concept.

In most cases the person described to me something very specific that has happened in their life and where they thought they were in the CURE process.

In one case she had basically skipped over the Understand because it involved a horrible disease that afflicted a family member. She found it impossible to understand so why bother.

I get that but I think it's worth more discussion.

To me the Understand piece is the hardest piece especially if it involves the seeming randomness of disease. I always think about that when I hear stories of kids getting serious illnesses. I just can't stomach it. How can it be that an innocent child should be asked to bear such a burden?

In my mind the Understand component is not just understanding the mechanics of the crisis. Sometimes there will be specific people or actions that we can absolutely understand and sometimes there won't be.

But it's important to understand the What of the effect on you even if you may never understand the Why of the problem.

Some people approach this from a religious perspective. In the face on the incomprehensible they turn to God and find peace in doing so. Some people get angry at God in the very same situation. I'm not a theologian and won't try to settle that debate. It's personal. You make your choice.

Regardless of the method you choose you need to reach some kind of understanding about what has happened in order to find your own form of peace. Absent that you risk chronic anger which can easily devolve into cynicism and bitterness over time.

Somebody said to me 'Well, what if I just want to be mad for awhile?' That's okay for awhile, maybe even healthy I suppose. But you have to remember that our own emotional state always has an effect on those around us. When does continuing to be mad turn into an emotional selfishness that has a negative effect on others?

When you are settling into an airline seat they do the safety review. They explain that in case of a loss of cabin pressure you will see a mask drop down in front of you. They make a point of saying that if you are with a child or someone who needs assistance make sure you get your mask on before you help the other person.

In other words you can't do much for others if you don't get yourself squared away first. I think the Understand step is a big part of that. Even when disease is involved you may need to think through what it means, who are you mad at, are you worried the same disease might hit you some day, etc.

If in the end you don't come to any resolution so be it. But give it a shot.

Make sure you get your mask in place and then go help someone else.

KS

Life Update

We are in the final stages of moving. Everything not going to Nashville is already in a storage facility down there, or sold, trashed or given away.
Movers arrive at 0830 Monday, Feb. 1, to load the big stuff that gets relocated down South. Y'all.
We leave Monday afternoon to spend the night in St. Louis with Terri's dad Sam, then drive to Nashville Tuesday morning and that's that.
Terri is more emotional about all this than I am. Maybe I will be later but it doesn't feel like it. This is all business to me. Play the hand you're dealt. Get yourself back to where you're the dealer as soon as you can. That's that.
I'm very happy with the direction my brain is headed with emotional earthquakes.
I secured two more domain names yesterday as I start to get a feel for how all this might be structured. I am going to construct two different curricula. The first will be emotional earthquakes and I already have the ideas in place for about 8 units. I think 10 units seems about right. That one will be aimed at those people struggling to overcome some adversity.
The second will be for those who complete the first and want to do more or for those who simply aspire to do some more things in their life. I won't give you the name for that one yet but it is one of the domains I now have in my possession. That one will also have the ability to be purely personally focused or go a slightly different route for those that want to use it in a business setting.
I will set up a website so people can take the courses online if they choose. The basic format is a video intro by me for each discussion topic followed by an exercise followed by an online discussion. Granted online "discussions" are a little different but they're pretty common these days. It will at least afford an opportunity for Q&A with me and other participants on the topic at hand.
What I really want to do is offer the courses live. The online stuff helps people access the material but it doesn't give me the chance to interact the way I like to do.
Hopefully the very first place I teach it will be in good ol' Decatur, Illinois.
I figure why not? A lot of people know me. A LOT of people have heard me talk on different topics. It will be a good place for me to launch and see how it goes. I'll be back as Arnold famously said.
My schedule will roughly be Uber from 4am-9am (unless I get my mowing job!!), Then I will go to my son in law's office and work on these projects. I have to get some exercise time back in there most days. And then depending on the day I might Uber again in the afternoon. We'll see.
Occasionally, on some nice warm Tennessee afternoons, I might sneak in a cigar.
I am serious about the courses. I've done a lot of creative thinking. It seems like the more things I come up with the more things I come up with.  I've already had some spontaneous positive feedback that I appreciate. But like any other creator/inventor just because you fall in love with your own child doesn't mean others will. I am fully committed to the effort. I am fully committed to the What even though I don't really yet know the How. I'm on it baby.
KS

My Plans So Far

Here's what I'm working on right now. The last part I will go through in some detail and I would welcome your comments and suggestions on it or anything else.
I am soon going to set up a separate corporation for consulting services. Big surprise, it will be called Independent Thinker Consulting.
I bought a domain name tonight, Nashvillethinker.com. I also have a new email set up now, Ken@NashvilleThinker.com. I will still use my gmail but will start migrating to the new email soon so if you need to reach me try it out. I suppose a website is in my future.
I told you earlier that I get great satisfaction from helping others succeed in life and business.
My son in law owns a staffing and recruiting firm in Nashville and there may be some opportunity to use some of the things I know to add value and grow the office.
Step one is for me to get re-certified as a Gallup Strengths coach. I mentioned that system in an earlier post. I never bothered with the re-cert before because it didn't really matter since I only used the material on an internal organizational basis. However when you are presenting it to a prospective customer certifications matter so I need to get that done. I think I can do it on line and avoid a trip to Omaha. Either way I'm looking forward to it, I know I will learn something new even though I feel very proficient in the Gallup material. There are no certified Gallup strengths coaches in Tennessee.
Strengthsfinder is never used as a hiring tool. It has no predictive value in regards to performance. However it an an excellent way of understanding behaviors and settings in which a person may do well or poorly. I have found it particularly useful in working with groups of 10-20 people who spend a lot of time together.

Step two is to get certified in another methodology called DISC. Chris sees this a lot in the marketplace, especially among HR and sales professionals.

DISC stands for:
Dominance
Influence
Steadiness
Conscientiousness

There is an assessment tool that leads to understanding which of those 4 quadrants a person is likely to fall within and the workplace ramifications of those quadrants.
I have read some comparative studies of DISC and Gallup and there are some differences and some similarities. Chris thinks being trained in both will be an advantage for me and a plus for the office.
I'm excited about this. I love learning new things like this, I have always liked the Gallup work, and this feels like something that suits me.
In this case it appears I will have to travel to Scottsdale for training. Scottsdale? In the winter? Oh no!!

Step three is an idea that I have been conjuring up lately. Obviously I'm not the only one in the world who has had to deal with major disruptions in their life. And job related disruptions are not the only ones that occur. So I started thinking about how I could use what I have been through, what I have learned, along with my teaching skills, to create a course that others might benefit from.
The title is:

Emotional Earthquakes: Loss of Lives, Loves, and Livelihoods.
Loss of Lives means the death of someone important to you.
Loss of Loves means the loss of a relationship, a painful divorce, or something along those lines.
Loss of Livelihoods means jobs of course, firings, downsizing, whatever the reason may be.
All are Emotional Earthquakes, they rattle you, they shake you to your foundations, they make you worry about what might come next.
So next comes the CURE.
C=Confront
U=Understand
R=Rebuild
E=Evolve

Confront
You must Confront your reality. Often people want to ignore it, deny it, hide it. No way. You have to look that sucker in the FACE. This is IT, for better or worse.

Understand
Usually there is something in particular that sticks in your craw. You're mad at a particular person, or a particular thing they did, you're mad at God, whatever. You have to try and Understand what that  issue is so you can resolve it and get past it.

Rebuild
Then you start the Rebuild. What are the things that make up your foundation? If they're weak then strengthen them. If they're strong you need to spell them out to yourself and lean on them.

Evolve
And then Evolve. There is no reset button in life. You can't put things back like they were. You're different now and your life is different so deal with it. Where and what are you headed to and how are you going to get there?
I envision this as a 2-4 hour class that would involve exercise at each step of the way aimed at helping each person chart their own course.

So this is where I need your help. I love this idea but everybody loves their own child so I can't go by my opinion alone,
Any merit to this? Would anybody even be interested? Would they take something like this?
Does my construct have any connection to reality?
Please, please, please, give me comments on this. If you don't want others to see what you say then email or call me.

Hello Anonymous

I've started to get a few comments that have no business being here which is why I deleted them.
Some of the anonymous comments are from people that need to stay anonymous to protect themselves. Often they leave word clues that allow me to understand who they are and I have no problem with that. In fact I enjoy hearing what they have to say.
However if you read my profile statement you will see that I anticipated the appearance of the gossips and jerks and sure enough here they are.
So let's be clear about something here.
This is my blog.
I control what gets said and who says it.
If you follow my posts you can clearly see that I am moving on with my life. If you are incapable or unwilling to move on with me then I have no interest in hearing from you.
My email is kskens37@gmail.com. If you have trouble understanding what I just said contact me directly, include your name and contact info, and I will do everything I can to make it crystal clear to you.
Got that??
KS